I’m sure many other working mamas feel the same guilt that I do. We don’t get to be here each day to experience each and every precious moment with our little ones. While I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything major, I’m sure it’s bound to happen or that I will start to feel it more as he gets older and starts doing more. Right now we are working on sitting up and I’m glad I got to be here when he sat up on his own. And then pretty much rolled over for the first time the next minute! Too bad my hubby missed it 😛 I’ll take what I can get!
The hard part comes at bedtime. I want him to get a good nights sleep nice and early but part of me wants to stay up and play and laugh with my little man. 3-4 hours at night just isn’t enough. It will never be enough. So when it comes to sleep training and I can see he is having a hard time, I give in. I feel guilty. I feel like all he wants is for me to hold him, and 95% of the time I’m usually right. The other 5% of the time her wants a bottle or his diaper changed. But when I pick him up and he passes out in my arms with or without his paci, I just want to stay there and hold him all night. Or take him to my room to cuddle. On the weekends I spoil him by napping with him and holding him while he sleeps during the day. I can’t help myself. I feel like every moment I’m here should be spent with him, even while he sleeps. How can I get past that feeling?!
Tomorrow will most likely be the last time I see my OB/GYN. I’ve had a hard time since I learned she was leaving the medical group. She guided me through my high-risk pregnancy by being serious, helpful, firm, and understanding. She told me what I needed to do and was strict for the welfare of my child. I couldn’t have asked for a better doctor to help me bring my healthy child into this world. I don’t know if I would have had such a good pregnancy and amazing outcome without her. But she is leaving because she has to work on her work/life balance. At my last appointment we spent a good 30-45 minutes just talking about life. We talked about marriage, relationships, sex, child, parenting…everything. She has so much insight, advice, and knowledge about being a working wife and mother. I needed to talk about all of it. I will continue to but there is nothing I can do now. I’m understandably bummed but probably more than most people. I will miss her guidance and direction.
Then there is the other part of me. The part that longs for more. I have been thinking more and more about going back to school lately. It was my intention to start back last fall but after finding out I was pregnant and realizing the hard time I was having with my first trimester, I’m glad I dropped my classes. The first three months are exhausting and just coming and going to work was about all I could handle…barely. So I wonder why now I think I can handle more? I can’t be the only working mother pursing higher education. I know for a fact that I’m not. We have a new CAO at work and she works, has a husband, 2 year-old twins, and is pursuing her master’s degree. Other than just sheer laziness, what is holding me back? There is a part of me that worries I will freak out and run away (yet again) but I can only take it one day at a time. Then there is the fact that Will wants to go back to school. We both can’t have evening classes because childcare would be tough. So that would me one of us online and other other in person potentially. It all makes my head spin but I can’t shake this feeling that I want more. More from life…but where to start? I guess a discussion with my husband is a good place 🙂